The Impact of Global Warming
Global warming is real, it's affecting all of us. Hell i'd dare say it's even more important than who's Anna Nicole Smith's babies daddy. Yeah I know it was announced, i'm devistated. But not more so then about global warming... Global Warming is everywhere and it's affecting everyone. Global warming Shot my father, raped my dog, and laughed as an old lady fell down the stairs (come on who doesn't). But this is just a few ways global warming affected myself. Here are some real accounts as well:
- made my sister marry a mexican
- made my chinese carryout taste like cat
- made my penis small
- made my uncle a drunk
Ryan C. writes:
Global Warming made me stop brushing my teeth and my hair. I can't afford a
new pair of shoes because of global warming. Global Warming stole my
Tim H. writes:
Global warming caused me to scratch my crotch in public constantly, even while talking face to face with co-workers. This led to self castration. Now everytime I see Al Gore i'm reminded i'm dickless.
The infidel Jew Global Warming will pay! (multiple gun-shots and war cries)
Die you Infidel Jew Dogs - Afganistan.
Dr. Hall writes:
Dr. Hall Goes Man to Man with Global Warming
Global Warming (herafter abreviated GW) is sending its agents
it refuses to deal with me Man to Man! let me tell you all about GW and its
cowardly ways. first off at the local GWHQ, which i will describe forthright,
it is deploying its weasles to devour the serpents of our peacefull lives.
GWHQ is a tattered old office building, somewhere around broadway's
sleepy little civic center. It used to be a DMV or some other place of
banal human suffering-a misery which no doubt still hangs like a fog
in its rickety, dingy halls. you can almost taste the " next in line please"
as you walk in the door. you can still smell the " nice weather we're having"
that some patron cracked while saiting in said line, millions of times through
different vocal chords attatched to different bodies stuck in the same miserable
situation. in this office such "agents" of GW are recruited, trained, and turned
out to the unsuspecting masses (and Doctors).
such a man must have entered there just a few weeks ago, where he soaked up
the vile GW stinking hot filth and decaying bio-matter and prepared to unleash it,
lavishly, on yours truly. This agent would have been given all the requisite files
and information on one Dr. Hall, and would have been instructed to concoct a
cover story for a first point of contact. now this cover story, ladies and gentlemen,
would be the first, most creative part of the plan. not just any schmuck can be
an undercover agent, he or she has to have a very peculiar and specific skillset
before they can infiltrate the world of theenvironmentally aware citizen.
part of this skillset involves a delicate level of "everyday-ism" and a high level
of creativity and enginuity.
so this agent was thusly dispatched and promptly sent to my neighborhood to
begin building his cover life-a life that he might be required to live out for months or
years or indefinitly as needed by the GWHQ. if caught, he must admit no knowledge
of or cahoots with such an organization, which will deny that it ever knew or employeed him
as it denies-no doubt-that it even exists.
so he probably dirtied himself up a bit, threw on some well-warn clothes and an began to walk
toward the habitat of yours truly with a cover story firmly in mind. it went a little something like this:
(Dr. Hall gets into his car around 19:45 to go get a pastrami
from the local sub shop. while
starting up his car and selecting some nice listening choices for the ride, comes a
very bold knock on the window in the failing twilight)
--the following conversation is paraphrased as closely as possible to the original conversation-
AGENT "hey man i dont mean to disturb you, but i know
your dad and hes a real good guy
and he's helped me out in the past."
(at this point i know i am in for a ride so i listen for a while as he unravels a yarnball of a story
about how his sister has a car "exactly like this one" and he needs to get back to arizona
and get rid of this car and he would be willing to let it go for next to nothing just to get it out
of his hands. note -i drive a 1996 jeep grand cherokee limited. nowhere on the body does
it state the year of the vehichle)
Dr Hall (knows hes being handed a real line): "well...what year is it?"
AGENT " well its uh....." (looks around a little
bit) " its uh...the same year as this one...."
Dr. Hall " really...?"
AGENT "yeah..." (slowly reads the very large letters
on the side of the vehichle) :
" Jeeeeep Grrrrand Cher-o-kee lim-it-ed...yeah thats the one"
DR Hall ( even if this were real the doctor does not have
time or money to buy another car
at the moment) : " well...how much are you looking for on this... i mean i dont really
have a lot right now..."
AGENT "well how much is it worth to you?"
DR. " well...i dont even have an idea to be honest, i dont buy a lot of cars"
AGENT "well...ill tell you what, MAN TO MAN, you see
because i believe in THE MAN UPSTAIRS
and he takes care of his, and your dad hes a real good guy, hes helped me out in the past...and
i gotta get rid of this thing so i can go down to Arizona ....and so...you know, man to man....ill tell you right now
uh...if you take me down to McDonalds, you know theyve got that dollar menue and ....a couple of cheeseburgers..."
Dr Hall interrupts increduously " youre telling me that you are going to sell me a car for 2 or 3 cheeseburgers??"
AGENT " well you know, it doesnt do me any good, and
you know you could have all the spare parts you need
...its been rear-ended so you cant drive it, but its got good seats, a good engine, good mirrors, carpeting, everything.
probably the doors and everything is ok...just the rear end is messed up. you take me down there and get me
some burgers and we can get together on the weekend and ill help you push it over here..."
---------at this point i told the guy i would prefer not to
drive a stranger around and i was gonna give him a few dollars for---well
it is he really wanted, but i only had a 10 on me...so i figured what the heck, after a story like this, i gave him the ten, i told him i had
no change. he said he would come buy on sunday to help push the car. i knew there was no car but i said " ok"
he said " ok then ill see you saturday" i said " you mean sunday?" " oh yeah yeah...sunday...."
a few days go by (including sunday with no sign of the guy)
and my dad comes into the house " hey, that guy that was talking to
you about car parts is here
he says you owe him 10 more dollars and then he can bring by the parts. " i had to explain to my dad what was going on here.
later that day after my father has gone to bed, i have gone
to bed, but my mom stays up late, the guy comes to the house and she answers
the door, around 23:00 asking for me or my dad. she tells him to come back the next day at around 16:00...currently its the next day around 13:15 so
im looking forward to coming home tonight.
so you can see the devastating effect that Global Warming
is having and has had on my life and the life of my family.
GLOBAL WARMING, IM CALLING YOU OUT RIGHT NOW! STOP SENDING YOUR AGENTS AND DEAL WITH ME MAN TO MAN!
MAN TO MAN!!!
In the somewhat short life I have endured on planet earth, many things have occurred. One troubling event took place on our farm in West Virginia. One afternoon, while enjoying a nice rump in the hay, my sister and I ran across a 2-headed snake. We both immediately knew that global warming had caused this manifestation and that it would not be long before humans would witness these same dramatic effects. Unfortunately it happened much sooner than we anticipated, as only 9 months later, my sister gave birth to a mongoloid child. Our father decided to amputate the poor mongoloids sex organs, as a way to hinder further corruption of our inbred bloodline.
This caused my sister much despair, and she became very secluded. She decided to live in the guesthouse with her mongoloid amputee until recently, when it was time for the boy to enter school. My father forbid this, as people would know our family had succumbed to the evils of global warming, and the community would shun us.
My father decided it was time to end the misery that global warming had caused our family. He decided that it was time for the ultimate sacrifice. I was put in charge of concocting a way to murder the mongoloid amputee without my sisters knowing.
I gathered my thoughts and came up with the idea of a cyanide-laced, giant-sized Pixy Stix. It was brilliant and I had enough poison to make a whole batch. I completed my project with several of these giant Pixy Stix, and headed off to our annual Halloween festival. Unbeknown to me that global warming would play a role in this as well.
My Pixy Stix were a hit, and all the children loved them,
even my family couldn’t resist the sugary treat. Unfortunately global
warming must have somehow super heated the molecules in the pixy sugar and
caused them to be so strong that not only would it kill mongoloid amputees,
but normal humans. It was a disaster as the entire community was stricken
with death and severe sickness. I had failed, although the mongoloid amputee
did not live, to many others perished as well. Damn you global warming,
damn you to hell !
That's Right, Global warming has affected us all, I think it's important that we talk about it every day. Now here is an informative chart:
Global Warming Just got Stallowned!!!
I hope you all may have tasted the sarcasm by now,
Global warming an issue??? we've been at it for 100 years but now all of
a sudden the Ice caps are going to melt.... give me a break. Luckily Imus
made a standard racial joke with no hate intended to relieve us of Global
warming. Thank god for nappy headed Ho's.
Outraged? eat shit, listen to LiL' <insert random shit stain rapper> and listen to their top hit. Be outraged on those lyrics then talk to me about Imus. Ditch the double standard, you kinda asked for it. I mean he was going for the awkard white old guy jive talk context in the joke. Eat shit Al Sharpton, Roker, Jesse Jackson etc.
Imus isn't a racist, every white concerned idiot who acts apalled is however. I'll bet 10 out of 10 they're the ones dropping N'bombs in private.
Although lets face it, the real criminal here is global warming. I mean what do you think made their hair nappy???
Global warmings a racist.
Back To Kicking Ass